Saturday, August 17, 2002

First Sense of Insecurity and Hope

I remember how sick I felt the first time I had to step in front of people to perform - I was 5 years old. I had been doing little shows with my sisters for our family and friends all my life (all 5 years of it) but this was different. On that particular day the people looking at me didn't know me outside of the talent I was about to present to them. It was a scary thought. How can I impress them in 3 minutes? A thought that has stayed with me all my life.

I've spent the last couple of hours sitting in silence reading a book by Maya Angelou. Her poetry is not only inspiring but it brings me some sort of peace. I'm feeling afraid - like I usually do every time the oportunity for me to perform presents itself. I need peace.

I've been asked many times why I do it. Why do something that causes so much pain? I simply say, I can't do anything else. In a physical sense, I can do many things, but not in a deeper sense...spiritual maybe? As much anxiety as it brings me, it also brings me joy, passion, happiness, sadness. Music has been the way I've communicated who I am since I can remember. Yes, even the scared little girl that still surfaces when confronted with strangers.

When I gave my first music lesson I found exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Teaching has given me the outlet to share my passion for music while inspiring people to pursue their dreams despite of physical or mental disabilities. I have both, but I decided a long time ago I was not about to stop dreaming. I had to die to my pride, accept the fact that I do have low self-esteem, to begin to live free of that guilt. It sounds funny but one really does feel guilty. Talk to anyone who has any sort of anxieties.

Writing helps sometimes. This is the first time I've shared this so openly. It makes me feel vulnerable. But hey, it is part of who I am. I wanted to say more but I have to go get ready. I feel better now. I leave you with a quote from an interview by Ken Kelley with Maya Angelou:

Courage--that's what we need. And insouciance--a wonderful word. Combine it with courage, and there's a remedy of hope. We may be heading toward new and exciting confrontations. We'll be obliged to come out of the varying closets where we've hidden ourselves for the last few decades [laughs]. Those of us who submitted or surrendered our ideas and dreams and identities to the "leaders" must take back our rights, our identities, our responsibilities.

Then we will have to confront. I don't only mean external confrontations. We have to confront ourselves. Do we like what we see in the mirror? And, according to our light, according to our understanding, according to our courage, we will have to say yea or nay--and rise!

Visions: Maya Angelou
A celebrated poet issues a call to arms to the nation's artists

Hope you are all having a wonderful weekend. ~Kira



posted @ 5:39 PM

Unbelievable, I'm turning into a softy. See what happens when you start getting older? If you can help it, don't do that okay? I get off the computer and I find out I actually like my family, yikes!

Back to the internet world. I found some cool places I wanted to add to my list of reads:

Forever Brown - the Saved by the Bell vs. 90210 post won me over (ha!). Love the title. =)
LUCUBRATIONS OF A MAD GENIUS - a man embracing insanity. How could I not want to read that?
paperscraps - For some reason she thinks I rock! How sweet is that? *wink*

So there you have it. Some links at last! Check 'em out. I think they're way cool. Like, cooler than me and stuff. Later! ~Kelly?

Edit: Here's another addition to the links - A N A R C H T I C A. Reason? I just love bad boys, hehe. *wink*



posted @ 11:55 AM

Today was mom's birthday - she is 46 years old. I can say it because she is VERY proud of it. All those things I said about my grandmother apply here as well.

Those of you who've known me for a while know that me and mom fuss at each other all the time. What you might or might not know is that I would give my life for her and she's given her life for me plenty of times (if you know what I mean). I adore her and owe all I am to that beautiful person that she is.

It was awesome to spend the entire day with her and my sisters. Even my little brother was there later in the afternoon. My aunts and cousins all stopped by throughout the day and she got lots of phone calls. I could see it in her face - she was feeling special!

I don't know what else to say. I am completely grateful for the family I have. Mom doesn't come here to read but I have to say it anyway because it's in my heart...

I sat there looking at her not knowing what to say. She was sharing pictures with me from her latest trip - this time to San Francisco. I looked around the room and all these memories came rushing back to me, and suddenly I was 10.

"Mama Locha!" I used to call for her whenever I needed something. She was a 6th grade teacher at the same grade school I attended in San Luis Mexico. She was tough, fair, loving, smart and absolutely beautiful. Her students were the "problematic" type. You could say she was specialized in taking care of their needs, while educating them of course.

Looking around the room I saw the story of her life. A plaque presented to her for her 40 years as an educator, pictures of countless students, her grandchildren and great grandchildren. Portraits of herself done by her oldest son, an accomplished lawyer and now photographer in Mexico.

My eyes came to rest upon her face one more time and I couldn't help but feel this great sense of pride rise up inside of me. I am a later generation of this wonderful woman. My words can't describe to you how much gratitude filled my heart at that very moment.

Beautiful and strong - her face is truly unforgetable. ~Su Nieta, Kira



posted @ 10:26 AM